Ask Joan: I Can't Sleep with My Partner! - Senior Planet from AARP

Joan counsels a woman who loves sex but not sleeping with her husband.Is it time for a sleep divorce?My husband (75) and I (72) have been married 20 years a late-in-life romance.Our sex life has always been satisfying, using sex toys and laughter as a complement to our intimate knowledge of our own and each others bodies.

We have fun together and communicate well.But theres one problem: I dont like sleeping with my husband.I dont mean sex I love sex with him! I dont like sleeping in the same room, listening to him snore or get up a hundred times a night to pee.Im a light sleeper, and once Im awake, it can take an hour to get back to sleep.

Then he gets up early, and I need to sleep half the morning to make up for lost time.We have a small spare room that I use for sewing, with a pull-out bed for the occasional visitor.Ive taken to moving into that room when I cant sleep through the interruptions.Ah, the relief of a silent, solitary space!But no!Hubby doesnt like that.

He says hes fine sleeping through my tossing and turning, and this is how couples cope.He fears that our sex life will take a nosedive if we sleep in separate rooms.I remind him that our best sex is late morning or early afternoon anyway.

We dont reach for each other at night (except for a few minutes of sweet spooning before moving to our own sides of the bed).Early morning has never been my arousal time.This problem has gotten worse as weve aged, especially over the past year.Im exhausted.

I dont know if this is a me-problem or an us-problem.Do I just get over it, or insist on sleeping in the sewing room?Taking its TollBy now, the conflict is interfering with our sex life.Hes increasingly cranky.

Im sleepy and resentful.That combination does not lead to orgasms.Weve gone from sex twice a week to maybe twice a month, and only when I initiate.

Is he right that sleeping apart will create more distance? I wish I had my sexy, non-grumpy husband back! Yearning for Separate BedroomsJoan responds:Lets separate sex and sleep.Theyre both human needs, and both become more challenging as we age.Other than that, theyre very different, especially their requirements! Two people may love each other and be bonded, but that doesnt necessarily mean theyll sleep well together.

Acknowledging that is not a failure.Its just a challenge that you can overcome with communication, affection, and a willingness to experiment with alternative sleeping arrangements.Good sex isnt dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed.Especially at our age, its more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation.

Plan Sex DatesYour husband fears that if you sleep in the sewing room, your sex life will deteriorate.Thats already happening, you say.But the reason isnt where you sleep its the unresolved conflict that is keeping you distant.Good sex isnt dependent on immediate accessibility to a warm body in bed.

Especially at our age, its more about intentionality, planning, and anticipation.Whether couples sleep in the same bed or even the same house or not, I heartily recommend scheduling sex dates.It shows that youre prioritizing intimacy by planning sexual pleasure time.

Sex dates create mental foreplay: your brain your major sex organ! is imagining how sex will happen.This ignites arousal long before youre naked in bed.Add the preparation of what youll wear (naked or sexy lingerie?), what youll need (lubricant and sex toys within reach), and erotic surprises (a blindfold or massage oil?), and your sex date is off to an exciting start.Once you start planning and enjoying sex dates, I think your husbands objections will melt away.

Youll both find that youre having more and better sex when youre well rested and anticipating your erotic time together.Talk it overExplain to your husband that you love him and you love every moment spent in his arms.But and its a big but you can only be fully present, happy, and healthy if you figure out how to get uninterrupted sleep.You could suggest spooning in bed at night as you usually do.

Then whisper, I love you, good night, and quietly retreat to the sewing room.When you wake up and feel rested enough, go to your husband with a hug and a plan for your next sex date.Be especially affectionate to let him know your feelings for him are enhanced, not diminished, by the separate sleep time.

I hope hell feel the same.Let us know how that works for you.As you see in the resources below, the media often use the unfortunate term sleep divorce to describe couples who sleep in separate rooms.Ugh, I dislike that term and its wildly inaccurate.

Sleeping separately often strengthens a relationship and makes it closer!Try these resourcesWill Sleeping in Separate Bedrooms Heal Your Marriage or Kill It? by Sheryl Jean, AARPA Sleep Divorce Might Be Exactly What Your Relationship Needs, Cleveland ClinicSchedule Sex Dates by Joan PriceTips to Navigate a Sleep Divorce, Harvard Health LetterYOUR TURNYour turn: Have you and your partner had similar issues? How did you resolve them? Please share in the comments.Want to Ask Joan?Do you have a question for Joan?Read this before submitting!You must beage 60 and above.Be sure to state your age.No short questions.Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic.

If so, but your question wasnt addressed, put a new spin on the topic.If your question is right for Joans column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email.After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.Ready to submit your [email protected] Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.

She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and the newly updated and expanded Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.Subscribe to Joans free, monthly newsletter.