Ask Joan: So Frustrated!! - Senior Planet from AARP

At 70, I am in a yearlong relationship with a man, 72.I can bring myself to climax, but I dont with him.He thinks he is a good lover and he has a set way of proceeding.

He pleasures me to arousal and then goes on to have his orgasm when my sensations and enjoyment are at their height.But I would like to climax, too! Afterwards, Im too wired to sleep.Ive suggested looking at other ways to make love, but he is traditional, and although he knows how to arouse me, he is unwilling to consider other ways than intercourse for the finale.

I am who I am, he says.At firstAt first he was attentive and arousing.When we realized I wasnt going to orgasm, he focused more on his own pleasure.He comes each time in the end.

(I dont.) During our lovemaking before penetration, I am very aroused by his caressing and pleasuring my breast (just one due to a mastectomy) and my clitoris.Although penetration is pleasant, it is not very arousing.I worry that I am taking too long to climax, so I give up.Practical IssuesOn a practical level I have a very long vagina, and he has a short penis.

My orgasms have happened at the cervix level.Is this common? Is that the problem that cant be fixed? Ive found it difficult to orgasm in other relationships, too.I dont like vibrators or porn.I sometimes orgasm through pleasuring myself, but it is very slight and unsatisfying.I dont share my sole pleasure times with him as he does not agree with masturbating!At an ImpasseWe have come to an impasse and he has stepped back sexually.

We are now just chums! In other respects we are compatible and get along well.It is just the lovemaking that I want to improve.Im dismayed and picking up old habits of giving up any possibility of having orgasms.

I dont know what to do so that I can find fulfillmentlast chance before I get too old.Maybe its too late already! So FrustratedJoan RespondsLet me get this straight: Your guy does not believe inmeaning hes unwilling to incorporate into your lovemakingmasturbation, sex toy use, and any alternative ways to bring you to orgasm other than what brings him to orgasm.In other words, hes getting his, and youre supposed to align your bodys responses to what works for his body.I am what I am, he says.

I read that to mean, I do not prioritize your pleasure except to get you aroused enough for intercourse.As for orgasm, youre on your own, but dont masturbate or use toys because I dont believe in it.Joans SuggestionsIll give you some suggestions, but I must say that I dont hold out much hope.Unlike a light bulb, he has to be willing to change, and it sounds like hes not.Most womens orgasm stimulation center is the clitoris rather than the cervix, but some women do have cervical orgasms.

That sounds like your proven path to climax.You say you dont like vibrators, but vibration increases blood flow and sensation and facilitates easier orgasms.I suggest trying a penetrative vibratora dildo with a motor.

Lets accept pleasure helpers where we find them and normalize their use during partner sex as well as solo!If your partner can let go of his restrictions about what sex should be, a penis extension/hollow dildo that he wears over his own penis via a hip harness would give you the penetration depth you like best.Find these in local or online sex toy shops.That way hes penetrating you with the length you need.But the simplest way to make your orgasm more likely is to add a dildo of the size you prefer or a penetrative vibrator (described above) to the pre-intercourse pleasuring that he already does.

You can show him how you like to masturbate or guide him in discovery with words, sounds, and gestures.ButI know! He already said no in advance to everything Im suggesting.Id tell him, This is what my body needs.If he refuses to learn and explore, I think its time to say, This isnt working.

I do not accept a sexual relationship that goes only one way, where my orgasm doesnt matter.I need to move on to seek the pleasure I want and deserve.I worry that youre so demoralized and afraid that youre aging out of the possibility of finding a sexually satisfying relationship that youre settling for a dismal future.I hope youll show him this column and gauge from his reaction whether hell work on making sex better for you or you need to find what you need elsewhere.

Dont accept what you dont want because you fear you cant find what you do want.Thats not trueits not too late.Many of usmyself includedcan attest to that.YOUR TURNReaders: Have you successfully negotiated a relationship that wasnt sexually satisfying? Have you left a sexually frustrating relationship that was unlikely to change? I hope youll share.Want to Ask Joan?Do you have a question for Joan?Read this before submitting!You must beage 60 and above.

Be sure to state your age.No short questions.Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic.If so, but your question wasnt addressed, put a new spin on the topic.If your question is right for Joans column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email.

After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.Ready to submit your [email protected] receives hundreds of emails each day at the sexpert mailbox; it is impossible for her to send an acknowledgement for every email she gets.Joan Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and the newly updated and expanded Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.

Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.Subscribe to Joans free, monthly newsletter.