Ask Joan: Frustrated and Stuck - Senior Planet from AARP

Dear Joan: Im 71 and my wife is 73, together for 22 years.Im desperately searching for a way to still have some sex life when her enthusiasm has waned to zero.Our sex was the best of my life when we first got together.The combination of her intelligence, her accomplishment level, and our adventuresome, enthusiastic sex was mesmerizing.

Now her sexual desire is gone.She rarely wants to pleasure me, either.If Im lucky and really sweet, I get a hand job every few months.She says her lack of interest is mostly due to hormonal, physical changes.

She is dry,so penetrative sex is painful.I respect that, but it doesnt explain the lack of interest in other forms of physical pleasuring for her or for me.Ive given her one of your books to read.

She says she will, but she doesnt.I think this is more about our relationship issues.We quarrel frequently.Shes very critical, a perfectionist.

Ill admit to being somewhat inattentive.Neither of us wants to end our marriage, but we have this huge gap in sexual desires.What do I do? I masturbate a lot and thats okay.But I still crave female attention, touch, and a beautiful body to play with.

Im thinking that I need to find a friend with benefits (FWB).Id prefer to do so with my wifes approval, but I find it hard to raise the issue with her.Years back, she found out Id paid for sex and was really angry.

I feel like shes withholding sex but also wont approve my getting it elsewhere.Although not ideal, maybe a FWB arrangement that is not up front but becomes tacitly acknowledged might be the best.I have not brought up the question of her agreeing to another sexual connection for me.Ive decided that its better to go with Dont Ask; Dont Tell (DADT) for now.

She doesnt ask how I satisfy my urges.My fear is that if I say, This is what I needwith someone else if you cant or wont, shell see it as confrontational and a kind of ultimatum.I dont want to have that big fight.What do you think?Frustrated and StuckJoan responds:Several problems contribute to the lack of sex in your marriage.

Your wifes hormonal changes rule out penetrative sex.As you realize, there are many other ways to give each other sexual pleasure.(See my webinar, Great Sex Without Penetration.) But you say that these dont appeal to her, either.You state that your wife has no sexual desire.

If she wanted advice, Id offer suggestions such as understanding responsive vs.spontaneous desire and tips for bringing the spice back into the bedroom.But theres no evidence that she wants a sexual relationship with you, from what you write.That leads us to the problems in your relationship apart from sex.

These conflicts need work before anything sexual can change.If youre very sweet, you might get a hand job every few months.I suggest working on being more attentive and caring all the time, not just when youre trying to get sex.Its a Two-Way StreetIm not putting it all on you.

You say shes critical and a perfectionist.Anger is a strong turn-off for sex, as well as for a loving relationship.Have you discussed with her what would improve your relationship? What would each of you like from the other in day-to-day behavior? Take turns asking, listening, and acknowledging what you hear.

If that leads to another argument, you need help guiding that discussion.I earnestly recommend couples counseling.DADT?Yes, you deserve an outlet for your sexual needs, and what do you do when your wife is unwilling? Your understanding of DADT is incorrect.Dont Ask, Dont Tell is a specific non-monogamy agreement where partners consent to going outside the relationship for sex discreetly and not discussing it.

Doing it your way, however getting sex outside the marriage without your wifes knowledge at all isnt DADT.Its cheating.You were already caught when you hired a sex worker.

What will happen if you follow this course and she finds out?Try This Approach InsteadYou fear that a discussion will sound confrontational and a kind of ultimatum and lead to a big fight.What if you approached her this way:I understand that you dont want sex with me anymore.Id love to try to reclaim our sexual bond.

If that cant happen, I still need an outlet for my need for touch and sex.Could we talk about what you would accept? Suppose I get my needs met discreetly in a way that you wont learn about.In other words, you wont ask and I wont tell.

Can we discuss how we can make that work?Again, a sex therapist or a sex-positive counselor can help you through this.The fact is that you arent willing to give up the pleasures of sex nor should you be! and you need to find a resolution.I hope you can do that within your marriage, with guidance.

I wish you the best.YOUR TURNWhat would you do in this situation?Do you have a question for Joan?Read this before submitting!You must beage 60 and above.Be sure to state your age.No short questions.Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic.

If so, but your question wasnt addressed, put a new spin on the topic.If your question is right for Joans column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email.After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Joan cannot acknowledge receipt of every email and just sending a question does not guarantee that it will be selected.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.Ready to submit your [email protected] Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.

She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and the newly updated and expanded Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.Subscribe to Joans free, monthly newsletter.