Ask Joan: How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage - Senior Planet from AARP

Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues.Senior Planet is rerunning a past column that deals with a topic that still generates questions and comments today.Here Joan counsels a man in a sexless marriage.A READER WRITES:My wife and I are in our 60s, very active and in good health.

We havent had sex in over a year and a half because of my wifes lack of interest.I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it.Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met.Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us.

She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood.In the Moodbut thenWhen she was in the mood, my wife really enjoyed sex and had great orgasms, but that mood hit less and less frequently.I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex.She didnt.

So our sex lives dwindled until around 15 years ago she realized a more regular sex life might be a good thing.For a short time shed schedule sex once a week whether or not she felt like itbut then menopause hit and sex dwindled again, diminishing to once or twice a year until we stopped having sex altogether.Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it.We used lubricant but it still wasnt very effective the last time.

Shes been mostly dry since a few years before menopause.As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood.The most affection I can show without her being irritated is spooning for a short period when were in bed Id better not move my hands to caress her! and hugs when one of us leaves the house.Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much.There are always two sides to a story, and I dont want to paint her as an uncaring wife.

I know at times shes felt my touching was just for sex, and at times she was right.She told me a few years ago that she felt sorry for me because of her lack of sexual desire.But at this point I dont think her interest in sex will ever revive, so what would your advice be? Should I ask her what our sex future will be? How should I phrase it? Or should I just accept her celibacy and masturbate when I need release? FrustratedJoan Price RespondsI read the frustration and despair in your story and I thank you for being willing to share it here.

I can understand why youre anxious about talking to your wife about this, but communication is the only way youll get out of this impasse.The subtle ways dates, touching, hoping havent worked and although years have passed, neither of you really understands yet how the other feels.Since I dont know your wife and I dont know anything about your conversational style or hers, I cant give you the magic words for getting the conversation started.Start the ConversationHere are some possible openings finesse one or more of these to fit your comfort and style:I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual.

Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship?We seem to have fallen into a marriage without sex.I love you, but I am not happy this way.Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this?I realize that I really dont know your reasons for not wanting to be sexual with me whether it hurts you, or theres something Im doing or not doing.

Id like to hear how you feel.I strongly suggest that you see a sex therapist (find one in your location) or a sex-savvy counselor for guidance.Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship.A Medical Issue?Youre guessing that your wife might have vaginal atrophy, but you dont know.Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching.If your wife thinks she may have vaginal atrophy, I hope shell see a knowledgeable doctor or pelvic floor therapist to get a diagnosis and treatment plan that can alleviate her discomfort.

There are many reasons for vaginal pain, if indeed thats what shes experiencing, and getting the right medical help is essential.You talk about your wife not being in the mood.Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones.Its important to understand the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

As I explained before on seniorplanet.org, spontaneous desire just happens, while responsive desire only happens after a womans body starts getting aroused.Most women, especially in our age group, only experience responsive desire.That means you could wait forever for your wife to just want sex.

But maybe if shes willing to try your weekly sex date again, she might find that once youve aroused her, the mood sails in.(You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.)Your RoleThat said, you should also think about how youre trying to arouse your wife.You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right.

If you go too directly and/or too soon to her vulva before shes aroused, shell likely just want to withdraw.I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her.Working with a therapist will help you learn to ask her how she prefers to be touched and help empower her to guide you.Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other it isnt an easy fix.

But dont give up! If shes willing, find a therapist who will help you and your wife talk about this and really listen to each otherand if she wont go, go on your own.Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping.Meanwhile, I encourage you to keep masturbating.

Its good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being.Theres nothing wrong with giving yourself sexual pleasure.I wish you the best.Do you have a question for Joan?Read this before submitting!You must beage 60 and above.

Be sure to state your age.No short questions.Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question?Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic.If so, but your question wasnt addressed, put a new spin on the topic.This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist.If your question is right for Joans column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email.

After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email.Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately.If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for apersonal consultation.Ready to submit your [email protected] Price has been Senior Planets Sex at Our Age columnist since 2014.She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and the newly updated and expanded Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.

Visit Joanswebsite and blogfor senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective.Subscribe to Joans free, monthly newsletter.